Now, I learned a few years ago, when I began to study the Bible seriously, that the heart is deceitful, and that we should guard our heart against the desires which do not please God. I have learned that not every dream that is in my heart comes from God. And some of the dreams I have may have been given by God, but still need to be perfected.
Just like Abraham was given a son, a son who was the son of a long-awaited promise, I have found that when that Isaac (whatever "Isaac" may mean) becomes “my beloved”, rather than Jesus being the “lover of my soul”, God begins to pull at my heart’s strings and go ascend the mount for sacrifice. Not that I have to kill my physical son or destroy my dreams literally. But I do need to surrender, whole-heartedly, to God’s will for my life, and accept whatever He decrees, even if it is painful.
I need to say, Father, once again, I know I need to deny myself. I know I need to die to this desire, so that my heart’s desire will be You. I need to return to my First Love, Jesus. I need to “renounce all that I possess” so that I’ll truly become Your disciple. I need to abide in Your Word, in Your Truth, in Your perfect ways. I need to learn obedience, if necessary, by suffering. I need You to judge if what I feel is Yours or mine. If it’s mine, I confess that the flesh profits nothing. If it’s Yours, I still submit it fully to you, so that you’ll kill whatever is fleshly in it and bring it back to life with resurrection power.
I’ve been pondering these thoughts, and praying this way, for more than a month. There’s a very specific dream which I’m trying to discern whether it’s in the Father’s heart or not. A specific calling. But I have decided NOT to walk in that direction UNLESS the Father’s presence comes with me. I will not step out of His will or His perfect timing. I will no longer strive.